Dear friends and social-media acquaintances of Shelley Wood. We regret to inform you that Facebook has elected to suspend Shelley’s birthday indefinitely, based on her failure to grow into her previous 10 ages. All birthday greetings posted to her social accounts — and please pause here to question the wisdom of automating birthday announcements on LinkedIn — remain visible to Shelley* but have been edited to have the syllable “birth” removed. Should Shelley take the necessary steps of consulting a financial planner or lifestyle coach, dressing in tailored clothing and leather-soled shoes, contributing something (anything!) to a tax-free savings account, and basically growing the hell up, we will consider lifting the suspension. She will be advised of these measures the instant we can convince her to stop throwing snowballs for her dog on the mountain and come inside.
*Facebook heatmapping suggests she is extremely engaged and pleased with them.